Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Lingering Questions

Once again I find myself facing the question of time lingering before me.

How much time does he have? Do you think she will make it for three more days? What if I leave in the next 24 hours? I was planning on coming home next week, will that be to late?

This is round two ladies and gentlemen. On my toes, dancing around the ring, fists up... fighting death that slowly disintegrates my family. What if death punches first, can I jab back in time to delay the next attack? Last round with my lovely grandma her soul left without a last goodbye, knowing she would not even know my presence. Instead tear drops fell upon my porch and journal in College Station as I reflected on her crazy/beautiful life and said goodbye in my own intimate way. Several days later I made my way home to celebrate Betty Wilson with my family and her close friends.

Here I am once again in College Station, attempting to impossibly predict the timing of death. My Gramps is getting tired. He has fought a hard and long fight, holding off defeat with the hope of sweet victory- seeing his grandchildren return from Egypt in 5 days. F i v e d a y s. Can he make it? Does he have it in him to fight death for 120 more hours?

I sit here questioning whether I should drop everything now and run to the side of the ring to cheer him on. Or can I leave in 2 days? Should I leave tomorrow? Will I regret waiting 2 days when he only had 1 day left in him?

Ugh. My eyes sting from tears and my body screams for sleep. A time to live, a time to die... not originally intended by our creator; my mind struggles to comprehend the pain yet inevitability of death. What is the balance? How do we grieve well? Is it possible to cry for the loss of an individual and feel a wave of negative emotions all the while knowing he/she was old and physically could not make it any longer?

Despite all of these questions swirling through my mind, I know I have a God who is bigger than all of this. Who is all-powerful and loving beyond comprehension. His being exists outside the human concept of time and death. What a HUGE and BEAUTIFUL King I serve! I have seen His peace in my parents as they have tackled an emotionally trying season of life losing their own parents both physically and mentally. While I am a waterfall of tears, my mom gently reminds me that God is in control. All the time. My parents' trust in the Lord is steadfast and challenges me to search my heart for lack of faith, letting go of my desire to control. The spirit consumes their being as they embrace each season of life with hope, trust, and surrender... displaying for all to see their decision to follow something bigger than themselves. If anything, this time of loss has cultivated a deeper appreciation for Bob and Beth Wilson. They not only stand out as extraordinary parents, but as strong man and woman of faith who are truly striving to die to their flesh daily. I love them both beyond words. Because of that love, I want to love their parents deeply and therefore bring me back to the question at hand that ripple effect into the million other questions in my head.

How do I love the dying well?

"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God." Phil 1:9-12

I want to strive for this. It won't be pretty- I will trip and fall on my knees, have dirt on my face, and holes in my clothes. But at the end of the journey I want to have given it my all. Loved much. Loved well.

What this looks like in regards to my grandparents, I don't know. Absorbing wisdom, support, and love from those around me gives me confidence that I can take one step at a time in figuring this thing out. All I know is I need prayer grace as I attempt to live fully and abundantly in Christ all the while praising His name during times of death.

"Lord you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God." Psalm 90"1-2